Bittersweet...

It's funny how a day that you enjoy so much, spent with people you love so much, can end up so bittersweet. Today I had a show at the University of Delaware. A sendoff for all of the synchro teams that are headed to Easterns in the next week and a half. My mother, who just got out of the hospital after a terrible bout with pneumonia, where she almost died, was there to see me skate. Along with my boyfriend, his son, his brother, his nephew, his stepmother, my best friend Martha, and her fiance. Also, a few people from my work were there as well. I was so excited for them to all see me skate on my new team for the first time, as we are very good, and I totally enjoy every second of that program. We skated well, and Tony was proud of me, and I kept on remembering why it was I rejoined this sport. Because I love the comraderie with the other teammates, the competition, the travelling to new and old places, and the workout I get every practice. I came home, and spent a few hours putting some things away that were in boxes in the basement. Had a couple of beers, and just relaxed. Read some pages out of my journal from when I was 18, and realized how young, naive, and new to love and relationships was. Came to the realization that the relationship I am currently in is the most stable, and the most real I have ever experienced. And that I love the man I am with more than any other man I have ever known (other than my dad of course, but that is totally different). Was just playing around on the internet, and came across some pics of my sister and all of her exploits over the last year or so. And one of the first pictures I came across was my sister wearing a T-shirt that says "Can I TRADE my sister?" Ouch. I can't even put into words how much that alone hurts me more than anything she has said or done to me in the last year. It's funny how the death of someone you love can truly alienate two people who were closer than ever. And mostly because one person chooses to lead their life differently than the other would like. There are so many misconceptions involved when a person dies. Promises people think you made that the dead person would want you to keep. Compromising what you really want to do with what you think would make you happy, etc. The one thing I carry with me from my dad's death, is that you only have so long on this planet, and none of us truly know how long. So you should live your life the way that you want, the way you pictured it to be. My father would've wanted that for me. Making time for those you love and letting them know how you truly feel about them, so there's no doubt when you're gone. I make a point every day to tell those people I love, that I love them. You should never hold back. Questions unanswered, and unasked, will haunt you. So ask them, answer them, live them. Seems stupid maybe, and maybe I'm rambling because I've had a few beers. But my main point is that my sister isn't talking to me because I've made a choice for my life that maybe she doesn't agree with or doesn't like because she feels it keeps her from getting what she rightfully deserves. The way I see it, neither one of us deserves it. The only reason we have it is because we had to lose someone we love very much. Whether it's cash or property, makes no difference. I had to lose someone to gain affluence. I'd rather have that someone. I miss him every day of my life, and the absence of my sister only makes that pain felt more acutely. My best friend, my soul mate, my other half, is saying terrible things about me. She could care less where I live, or what I'm doing, who I'm with, what my job is, or just my every day happiness or sadness. That is to me my largest pain. She was the one person I could call, or write to, and she would understand exactly just how I felt. But in losing my father, I lost a sister, and mostly because she felt his loss too deeply. I guess it would be unsensitive of me not to understand that. And this is the hardest point for me. When my father died I felt a lost more deeply than any kind I had ever felt. I depended on him for his endless knowledge about anything and everything. Not to mention I loved him very much, even though we always butted heads because we are so stubborn. However, the pain of his loss was lessened by the knowledge that he was still with me in my heart. I could feel him every time he was proud of me. Like when I graduated from Widener the semester that he died. I know he is in a far better place than I. But lately the pain of losing him has been exacerbated by the seeming loss of my own sister. I only hope that she eventually realizes that my motives are not greed. That I truly want her to have the farm. Even though I love the place, I am not capable of taking care of it right now. My life is so busy and full at this moment, and I don't see it slowing down. And I am afraid that my daughter or son will never know the Aunt I so desparately want them to know. But enough depressing talk for one evening. I only pray that my soulmate and friend will soon realize that our lives are not complete without each other. But that I cannot change who I am, compromise my beliefs, to make her happy. I would not be true to myself. And that is the greatest lesson I learned from my father. To be true to myself, and also to never hold on to past hurts. You cannot move forward in a relationship if you focus on past hurts. You have to work them out, let them go, and never let them be a problem in your relationship again. If you do not, your relationship will fail. So forgive, and forget. That is my message to my sister. Listen to our father, he was wiser than even I had realized.