It's funny, you think you're okay, that your life is really going great, that you're finally coping alright with the loss of someone in your family, that even though someone you really love isn't talking to you anymore (for reasons you aren't really sure of) is something you can deal with, and then it all up and smacks you in the face. I don't know why, but lately so much more than ever, the fact that my sister and I haven't been talking just seems to be really getting to me. And I think mainly because she has so much misinformation that is being handed to her (from whom I'm not quite sure), that it's only putting a bigger distance between us. I thought I'd apologized enough. Apparently I can't. But whatever happened to forgiving those you love? I mean, consider the fact that most of the stupid things I did, that I apologized for, happened only months after losing my father. Do you really think I was in the right state of mind to make good choices or to say the right things? It seems the only good choice I did make is Tony, and for that I am grateful. I don't know what I would do without him. But back to my point, how can you not forgive someone for whatever stupid crap you were fighting over months and months ago, especially someone you are supposed to love and be close to?
I'm thinking that maybe she thinks I'm still angry about what transpired with a certain someone, who shall remain nameless. But for me to stay mad about that would be fruitless, and mainly because I'm so in love with someone else. I guess what little hurt does remain regarding the incident is that your best friend and sister could act without thinking even for a moment how it would hurt the other people involved. But I'm willing to put that behind us because I, too, did some really stupid things following the loss of my father. I was vulnerable, and easily convinced that someone cared about me who obviously didn't. Even as a friend. That's painful in and of itself. And then to have the only person who at that point you feel you can trust and depend on be the other person involved in the whole event, well, that's earth shattering. And heart breaking. It's not that I'm jealous, because I truly never was. I knew in my heart that I wanted to be with Tony, and all that went on made me realize that all the more. It's that I'm still smarting over my sister being the one to have so little care with my feelings, especially while I was home taking care of our very ill mother.
Argh. See, I knew it was a bad idea to start dragging all of these old and somewhat buried feelings. But honestly, I would really like to put all of that behind us. Above all, she is my sister, my other half, my best friend. My heart is torn in two because of what is going on right now. She doesn't know how my life is right now, she hasn't seen my new house, she hasn't even met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, or the son I'm going to be a stepmother to someday. She hasn't shared in my joys and sorrows in over a year. And isn't that what sisters are for? I'm awful sorry for whatever it is she thinks I've done. If I've done it, and it caused her hurt, then I am truly sorry. I've said that so many times. I just want my sister back. The one I knew two years ago, who could laugh with me and knew me better than anyone. The one who understood the stupidest little things that both of us enjoy - and who would oftentimes finish my sentences.
I wish I could make her see how much I love her and worry for her and care about her. But would it even matter...?
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